MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!....... The light it Burrnnnnsss!!!

I am a man, you simply are going to have to accept that as a man I am not perfect.
I'm bound to have one or two vices, it seems only natural that I should have them.
|The main one was drinking, but I gave myself a good 18 week break, but on a quiet Sunday afternoon a friend intoduced me to another one........ BINGO!!!

Started off quite innocently but I've been in the house all day just playing bingo, so far I'm still in credit and havent lost anything......

But there's time.................

Caledonia is calling me!

Been a heart wrenching time and still no light at the end of tunnel. Going to plan it, don't know if I'll camp but thinking that dissappearing for a short spell may do everyone some good.

Buachaille etive mor

This is where I'm thinking of going, I have nothing but happy memories of here, dispite the coldness of the picture in the summer it was always warm and beautiful and what I thought was great was that the R.A.F would fly thier Tornado jets through "The pass of Glencoe" really low as I would swim in the river.

Get ready for the summer

Starting to plan for summer a bit more, with some of the stuff that's been happening I was going to write it off but this summer could be a real scorcher and it would be a pity to waste it. Thinking I might travel a bit more, also might take a few days off and hit the wild country of Caledonia...... see what happens :-)

Morning!

It's morning time and off for work.
Going to make more of an effort with this blog now I'm starting to settle in to my new flat.

Food glorious food

Going to try and get back into cooking again, something simple and un complicated, will probably start with something like stuffed peppers and work up from there, need to get the right rice though, makes all the difference, never ever skimp on the basics or you'll suffer for it.

Miss you!

since my break-up it's caused a lot of awkwardness and ill feling amongst friends, I'm trying to make things difficult for anyone so have avoided situations that would cause discomfort or make it appear like people were taking sides. In time I think it will work out for the best but I do feel lonely and a little shunned. I can't complain, I knew this is where it would lead, but that's how I feel. I've asked a friend to send me a little ray of hope and sunshine... hope it comes soon... I need it... a lot.

Short week

Just started back at work after my 2 week quarantine and having to work from home.
Nice to be back and glad this week will be a short week for me.

Friday

Woo Hoo..........
Let Friday night commence

Getting there?

Starting to get things more organised in my new flat.
Went to Ikea and had a browse for stuff just to get ideas for things that save space and aren't too expensive. The main thing is my internet is on as I can work from here now and get plenty more overtime in as I'm really going to need it in the next couple of months... but I know I'll need a break soon so I don't go totally bananas, so I'm going to put a little money away for a few things too, like a short break maybe a cottage in Scotland for a week and look for Ideas for Xmas too, yes I know it's summer but Christmas is important to me so want to spend it somewhere nice.

Any ideas?

Neurotic Moi......

Or should that be meoiw....

Since moving out the cat has taken to treating me like a complete stranger.
I went round to feed her and see if she was ok adn couldn't find her.

I cleaned the litter tray, I cleaned all her bowls and put some fresh water down and some nice cat food with a couple of her favoutite fish treats...... and still she didn't show her furry button face.

This is unusual as she comes the second you open the tin of catfood.

Found her cowering in the wardrobe... head darting left to right as I peered in as if looking like she wanted to escape.

Glad she's ok... but feel a bit sad.
Resisted the urge to reach in and pet her as I didn't want to cause her any distress.

Vet

Cat is treating me like a total stranger, which is hard, I really miss the cat.
She's old and stinks of wee.

And she's grouchy and pisses on my socks... I'm sure my ex has trained her to do it, flicking her on the nose with my sock to annoy her but also make sure she gets my sent.

Cant prove it,,,,,,.... probably part of my current insanity.

Going to take her to the vet next week... see what happens, I know that someone would like one of us put to sleep :-(

Almost cracked

I've been quite good.
In the last few weeks it is still only 1 beer, 1 small Cognac and 1 bottle of Valpolicella.

Going to keep it up but it's quite neice to feel like I can take it or leave it again.

Moving along

I bet you have felt like this.
Moving house, forgetting everything you need.
Go to bed, I mean go to the floor to sleep, wake up in the morning and dray your butt to the shower and while waking up under the shower you realise, Ummm I have not towels. As any "normal" person would do, after your shower you slide and slop your way to the kitchen where you dry yourself off with kitchen towel/ paper. I am sure everyone has done it before, umm right?

What's the deal?

There can be no doubt about it.
Of lately I have been struggling with fear and uncertainty, but this morning all the clouds where dispelled. I am 100% positive about this, without a shadow of a doubt, Kim Deal is the greatest bassist on the planet. It came to me while I was out jogging and suddenly, the clouds parted and a blinding light shone through and.......... actually no, it came on my iPod.

Pending Update

More to write soon I hope.
Basically the not drinking has been going OK.
In 18 weeks I have only had 1 beer and one small glass of Cognac :-)

Major Milestone

This past week has been full of major milestones. I broke off a long term relationship that had been going round in circles for sometime, technically it had been broken off for a while but reached it's climax when I moved out. There is still some hurt there, all of it I caused and some things I need to resolve to draw it to a final close.

She said a lot of hurtful things before I left, the one word that hurt most of all that I don't think I'll forget is "Coward". My fear was that in a few weeks I would pause and think and realise that "I didn't do enough to make things work" or that "I never tried hard enough". I may not be the sort of person to be able to put my feelings into words and I don't analyse my feelings to death or diarise them for later review, but I am sure enough in myself that to carry on any longer I have to make a choice between my happiness or hers. What makes me sad is that my future happiness may have come at the expense of hers. I'm sad that I'm so sure that we should split up.

I don't hate her, not for anything she's said, it's easy for good people to say bad things about another person when they've been hurt. I do still care about her and love her, but not in the way you have to when you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, I'm the sort of person who shares everything, I can't do half measures in this area or withold things.

So some time ago, i decided that she would get the house, the only problem is that I earn more than her and with the current outstanding balance on the mortgage, the Bank will not allow her to take on the mortgage and even if they would she couldn't afford it on top of all the bills. So over the next 6 months I'm going to work my backside off to knock £10,000 off the mortgage, any way I can (legal that is, but hey make me an offer ;-) ). This way she can afford the mortgage and the bank will let her take on the balance.

I'm not telling you this to make myself feel less like the "Villian of the piece", I think I actually like, it if that's how people choose to percieve me, then no-one will be surprised if I don't play by any rules other than my own, so it does feel quite liberating.

To explain a bit further, before I entered her life she was living in a rented flat in a not too nice area, but nice enough. Despite this she did have some security and stability. Now if you think that fair is always 50/50 then if we do everything clean, legal and fair the end result would be that everything would be devided, the house sold..... yes?

Well in the end she would have a few pounds from her share of the sale, she would have to live again in a rented flat costing almost the same as a mortgage, but even with house prices at what they are now, they would still be nowhere near what she could afford and would not be able to get a deposit for one either (I've looked into it, trust me, I work for a bank). Either way, I don't consider this to be a "Fair" outcome and I don't find it acceptable.

So I will make the £10,000, I will make sure she gets the house and can afford it and is OK and enjoys the feeling of stability and security she once used to have..... Why?

Because I always want to be a positive influence in peoples lives, as for the hurtful words, just words that express what she feels inside, feelings stirred up by me, but sometimes when she says them, I do feel like just raising the £10,000 and siccing the lawyers on her and letting them take care of everything, but after I calm down I realise that this would make me the "Villian" and only cause us both more hurt.

Then once I've unpicked my life and unravelled it, hopefully leaving her better off even if deeply hurt, we can both move on with our lives, a bit battered and bruised but atleast still able to move on without any ties or baggage and perhaps eventually no hate or anymosity.

What happens after that I don't know.

Which brings me to my final milestone to share with you. Yesterday was my Birthday and partly because of what's going on, only one person wished me happy birthday. But it was the best Birthday wish I've had in a long time and meant a lot to me, so thank you .... it really meant a lot and cheered me up a huge amount. It's sort of a long standing joke that I don't celebrate Birthdays, because everyone usually forgets. Not joking, sometimes I don't even get a card, one year I came downstairs, ran to the letter box and there were 2 cards, My dad came to see what the mail was and couldn't understand why I had got mail until I opened it and both my parents realised what the significance of the day was. THAT'S CHILD ABUSE!!!!

Anyway, for as long as I can remember my biryhdays have been non events, even when I try and arrange stuff, everyone always has something else on or was going to do something else, so out of guilt whatever they were doing becomes a double celebration..... "Oh sorry Steve we're going out to celebrate "Sir Donald of Duck's Day" but we'll make it your birthday celebration too......." funny, this seems like we're just going out to get leathered, the same as we do every week?

Well, thank you for the birthday wish and the text, it meant more than you can imagine. xxxx

Sorry for the long post but it feels like I have a lot to make up for.

Hotel California?

The song goes that "You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave". Oh God does that ever seem so true about where I'm staying, the place is clean, but smells a little smokey, the water from the shower has all the heat and preasure of an enema bag only I think I'd prefer the enema as atleast on the inside with the enema I'd feel cleaned out, unlike on the outside with this shower.

It's noisy... I mean you can here everything going on.... so if you plan on murdering anyone, as I'm sure than man was doing next door to his wife, forget it, everyone will hear you.

last night there tonight.....

I hope?

Weekend plans

So what are your plans for the weekend?
I have nothing so far other then a little house moving, I say little because I am relocating to a shoebox. I am not to worried about the size of my new place because I live by the saying "home is where the heart is" so if I feel the place in my heart all the rest will work out fine, I mean till some female comes along and wants to move everything and add little pink filly stuff all over the rooms!