4 May 2009

Major Milestone

This past week has been full of major milestones. I broke off a long term relationship that had been going round in circles for sometime, technically it had been broken off for a while but reached it's climax when I moved out. There is still some hurt there, all of it I caused and some things I need to resolve to draw it to a final close.

She said a lot of hurtful things before I left, the one word that hurt most of all that I don't think I'll forget is "Coward". My fear was that in a few weeks I would pause and think and realise that "I didn't do enough to make things work" or that "I never tried hard enough". I may not be the sort of person to be able to put my feelings into words and I don't analyse my feelings to death or diarise them for later review, but I am sure enough in myself that to carry on any longer I have to make a choice between my happiness or hers. What makes me sad is that my future happiness may have come at the expense of hers. I'm sad that I'm so sure that we should split up.

I don't hate her, not for anything she's said, it's easy for good people to say bad things about another person when they've been hurt. I do still care about her and love her, but not in the way you have to when you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, I'm the sort of person who shares everything, I can't do half measures in this area or withold things.

So some time ago, i decided that she would get the house, the only problem is that I earn more than her and with the current outstanding balance on the mortgage, the Bank will not allow her to take on the mortgage and even if they would she couldn't afford it on top of all the bills. So over the next 6 months I'm going to work my backside off to knock £10,000 off the mortgage, any way I can (legal that is, but hey make me an offer ;-) ). This way she can afford the mortgage and the bank will let her take on the balance.

I'm not telling you this to make myself feel less like the "Villian of the piece", I think I actually like, it if that's how people choose to percieve me, then no-one will be surprised if I don't play by any rules other than my own, so it does feel quite liberating.

To explain a bit further, before I entered her life she was living in a rented flat in a not too nice area, but nice enough. Despite this she did have some security and stability. Now if you think that fair is always 50/50 then if we do everything clean, legal and fair the end result would be that everything would be devided, the house sold..... yes?

Well in the end she would have a few pounds from her share of the sale, she would have to live again in a rented flat costing almost the same as a mortgage, but even with house prices at what they are now, they would still be nowhere near what she could afford and would not be able to get a deposit for one either (I've looked into it, trust me, I work for a bank). Either way, I don't consider this to be a "Fair" outcome and I don't find it acceptable.

So I will make the £10,000, I will make sure she gets the house and can afford it and is OK and enjoys the feeling of stability and security she once used to have..... Why?

Because I always want to be a positive influence in peoples lives, as for the hurtful words, just words that express what she feels inside, feelings stirred up by me, but sometimes when she says them, I do feel like just raising the £10,000 and siccing the lawyers on her and letting them take care of everything, but after I calm down I realise that this would make me the "Villian" and only cause us both more hurt.

Then once I've unpicked my life and unravelled it, hopefully leaving her better off even if deeply hurt, we can both move on with our lives, a bit battered and bruised but atleast still able to move on without any ties or baggage and perhaps eventually no hate or anymosity.

What happens after that I don't know.

Which brings me to my final milestone to share with you. Yesterday was my Birthday and partly because of what's going on, only one person wished me happy birthday. But it was the best Birthday wish I've had in a long time and meant a lot to me, so thank you .... it really meant a lot and cheered me up a huge amount. It's sort of a long standing joke that I don't celebrate Birthdays, because everyone usually forgets. Not joking, sometimes I don't even get a card, one year I came downstairs, ran to the letter box and there were 2 cards, My dad came to see what the mail was and couldn't understand why I had got mail until I opened it and both my parents realised what the significance of the day was. THAT'S CHILD ABUSE!!!!

Anyway, for as long as I can remember my biryhdays have been non events, even when I try and arrange stuff, everyone always has something else on or was going to do something else, so out of guilt whatever they were doing becomes a double celebration..... "Oh sorry Steve we're going out to celebrate "Sir Donald of Duck's Day" but we'll make it your birthday celebration too......." funny, this seems like we're just going out to get leathered, the same as we do every week?

Well, thank you for the birthday wish and the text, it meant more than you can imagine. xxxx

Sorry for the long post but it feels like I have a lot to make up for.

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